I am afraid.

Today, I joined Toastmasters at work, and boy am I scared.

Many of my friends and family peeps would not guess how uneasy and afraid I am in front of large groups, but I am. All through junior and senior high school, I have been horrified and petrified to speak about anything in front of a large group, which is any number larger than 4 people. Plus, anything that I was not 100% passionate or experienced in, add another gallon of fear and apprehension. In college, I took some speech and drama classes, which seemed to cure me of this affliction. But it has apparently worn off.

Over the past few years, friends and co-workers have been encouraging me to join Toastmasters, because they had this illusion that I am a strong and confident speaker in front of a large audience. No one suspected that I'm just a big chicken!! I attended a few meetings, just to see what it’s about and support my co-workers who are giving speeches. Every time I attend, someone assumes that I’m ready to join. Although I never am, I always leave thinking about it. But I do not join. Just the thought of standing up in front of 20, 10, even 6 people, scares the beejeebies out of me.

I started thinking more about Toastmasters a couple of weeks ago, when I decided to start this blog. I read lots of blogs. Some because they are interesting, funny, or engaging. Some because I’m just curious. So, I decided that I wanted a blog, but what can I write about? Then I began to compare the differences between blogging and speaking.

In my blog, I can write anything I want and not be afraid of seeing the puzzled faces of the reader, wondering what the heck I’m trying to say, or “why is she saying that?” The good part is that I don’t have to know if someone thinks I am insane, boring, or absurd. The negative side is that I wouldn’t know if they experienced enjoyment, delight, laughter, engagement from my words.

In public speaking, I can also say anything I want. My fear is to instantly see the puzzled faces of the audience, wondering what the heck I’m trying to say, or “why is she saying that?” I would have that immediate disappointment of knowing someone thinking I’m insane, boring, or absurd. The positive side is that I would know at once if they experienced enjoyment, delight, laughter, and engagement from my words.

With all of that insightful thinking, I decided to take the plunge. Why not? Let’s give it a try. If I can take a pole dancing class, learn aikido, or try rock climbing and trapeze flying, why not something a little less dangerous. Or is it more dangerous? I’m checking things off my bucket list that were never there in the first place, and I’m having fun. I guess I’m not afraid to be a little scared.

Today I joined Toastmasters. Wish me luck!